


Silk

by Ilovedogzandpie



Category: Star Wars: Resistance (Cartoon)
Genre: Belated Holiday Fic, Breaking Up & Making Up, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Guilt, Lesbians in Space, Past Child Abuse, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:55:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29116356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilovedogzandpie/pseuds/Ilovedogzandpie
Summary: Tam is going through a lot, adjusting to her post first order life and guilt about what happened. She can barely stay in the same room as Synara let alone talk to her. also she is dealing with a holiday she never had good memories of, the fact everyone around her is in some kind of relationship and had moved on with there lifes. So no she isn't doing well.
Relationships: Imanuel Doza/Venisa Doza/Jarek Yeager, Neeku Vozo/Kazuda Xiono, Tamara Ryvora/Synara San
Kudos: 3





	Silk

**Author's Note:**

> Happy late Valentine's day, I wanted to actually make a Tamnara fic that's longer then my last one, and in general more wlw fanfics.
> 
> also I may have self projected onto Tam a bit to much, but don't worry its fine.

Lover's day, a holiday Tam wasn't fond of, mostly from her days as a school girl, often shoved into a class room corner Because she didn't bring anything to the party. Like her parents where going to spend anything on her. And in the past she hated the holiday because of the Damn commercialization of the stupid holiday, it was a buy this buy that, in pink red and white, much like every damn holiday. And she didn't like how lonely the day made her. So she felt dread and hate as the holiday approached.

Neeku on the other hand was Excited about it. 

He was honestly indifferent to the holiday, having explained that in his culture there was actually 3 holidays like lover's day. Tam remembers it being one for the God of love, one for married people, and something for the giving gifts to strangers like for love of fellow being. Anyway he and tam would normally just pop some corn and watch some halo move from the holonet. Tam often loved that, just the two of them, lazying-about, watching a film. But this year Neeku was in a relationship, so his indifference to the holiday became Significant interest in the holiday. He had learned everything that he was able to find out about the holiday and was now telling them at the table, as they had there dinner for the night.

"On Talamhn birds where often given as pets on the holiday, there was actually a bird pet boom for 2 centuries, but often or not the birds where realised into the wild which made many birds an invasive, but there also a problem with some birds that just died because there means wasn't met. That finally lead to a ban on non-native birds for several centuries and decline..." Neeku said before Yeager interrupted him.

"Thank you Neeku, but everyone needs a moment to talk, we might come back to that." Yeager said.

"What about you Yeager, how was lover's day growing up?" Asked kaz.

"My people didn't celebrate the holiday, it was an off worlder thing and some thought it was vulgar." Yeager explained simply.

"That _Sounds great_." Tam thought.

And luckily for Tam's sake the conversation shifted from talks of lover's day to something else, tam then sat there and gave her opinions on what they where talking about, but the nagging awareness of the holiday held on in the back of her brain.

What made lover's day so Insufferable was the public display of the upcoming holiday. The decorations, all red, pink, and white, all put up in proud joy and Excitement of the up coming holiday. The dumb ads from last year was going over everything, along with last year's PSA's, such as "go to the med-clinic for.." It would list off services and tests, and reminded everyone that condoms and birth where free and the platform had an offspring limit. It was the time of year Tam wanted to bang her head on the wall Because it was getting harder to ignore if it was in her face and ears all the time. Also what made it worse was all the couples who where normally mildly Affectionate became full blown pda.

And one would think that being on the run from the first order would make it much more of a somber time. No, let's have couples make out at thr bar right next to you as you try to enjoy your drink after a long day. But there was Gorrak Wiles and a dark skinned human man that Tam knew from the bolts, washers, and wires shop, making out in full unashamed view of everyone. The only thing anyone had any say in it was they didn't see the relationship happening.

"I don't see them together." Said someone walking past.

Neeku the cheerful optimist he was found the relationship cute.

"What joys will they have together." Neeku said dreamily.

Tam just wanted to down her bottle and order another. She had a long day of people and she was tired of it, she just wanted a drink with her best friend. She and Neeku had been at every corner of the platform looking for what was wrong. Which was almost everything. The platform was older then her and Neeku, maybe even older then Yeager. It was in an salt water ocean for force knows how long, so it was corroded away and/or because of age. She just wanted a drink.

"I give them a week before they break up." Said a familiar voice.

Tam felt her cheeks warm, her heart flutter, and her thoughts raced in her mind with no clear one coming forwarded. She knew who it was, but here she was, Synara San. She was holding a cup of something that wasn't ale like what she and Neeku where drinking. She didn't even ask to sit with them, just sliding into the booth and settling right in front of her. Tam just looked into her drink, ignoring the woman infont of her.

"Don't say such things, synara." Neeku scored her.

"Its true, with lovers day coming up lonely people often find comfort and sex with other people." Synara said.

She look at the sultan and human man, now stopped talking and was just nose to nose whispering, sweet nothings or some other nonsense.

"Once lovers day is over they will be broken up." Synara explained.

It was just then Kazuda appeared with his own beer in hand, having been finally let go from what he had been doing. Leaned over the booth on the side of Synara and pointed with his thumb of his free hand at the two at the counter.

"Did you see those two?" Kazuda asked in a low voice.

"Its kind hard not to miss." Synara said.

Then everyone fell quiet, it took Tam a moment that everyone was looking at her. She glanced around at them before awkwardly realize what it was. Neeku and Kazuda where in a relationship, so the two of them, _of course_ , wanted to sit next to each other as lovers did. She would move out of the way for who ever she was sitting next to, and she forgot about it for a moment. So tam awkwardly moved out of the booth for Kazuda to slide in only to realize that there wasn't room for her on that side of the table. Synara looked at her and slid deeper into the booth and patting the set she once occupied. Tam slid in and was now sitting next to Synara, she felt her heart betting hard in her chest and a burning feeling she couldn't name at the moment.

"So Kaz and Neeku what are your plans for lovers day." Synara asked.

Tam was tired of lover's day she didn't want to hear anymore.

"Where going to stay in and have dinner." Kazuda said.

Tam then realized that meant she shouldn't be at home that night, as her room was nothing more then a closest with thin walls, and tam was no ignorant igmo, there was a high chance that there night will turn into something more then a meal and a night in. Tam drank more of her drink at the thought.

 _"When did Neeku start doing... **THAT!?"**_ Tam thought.

she was trying to distract herself from Synara, but it failed when she started talking next to her.

"That sounds nice, I myself just going to spend the night alone by myself." Synara said.

Tam then felt angry, she tried to put on a face of indifference and drank what was left of her beer while toning out the conversation around her. She slid out of the booth held up her now empty drink to tell the others she was going to get another one and made her way back to the bar. She ignored the two lovers who had went back to kissing, Tam sat there and place her cup on the bar. Aunt Z walked over to her.

"Another?" Aunt z asked.

"No, something stronger." Tam said.

Aunt Z looked at the booth behind her seeing Neeku, Kaz, and Synara talking lively to each other. But Aunt Z saw Synara and suspect something was wrong, but tam didn't see. Aunt Z saw all, the young women was felling guilty and didn't think the other woman was as going to accept her. But Tam was to blinded by her guilt to see Synara was trying to get her to talk to her. Sexual beings where so complex and stupid at the same time, not seeing what was there in front of there faces. But Aunt Z took the cup, not saying anything, because of a shortage of everything, Aunt Z poured a shot of a white liquor and a hard ale and slid it back to the young woman. 

"Stop feeling guilty and talk to her." Aunt z said.

Tam just took the drink and sat next to Synara again, she just barely listened to what Synara was saying to Kazuda and Neeku. She watched the three of them, they had a familiarity that tam felt guilty of then she realized what that feeling she had felt was.

Guilt.

Tam quickly made an excuse and downed her drink. She didn't want to be there and feel terrible about herself. She just be lined to the hanger, she walked past Yeager and the man watched her go as she shut herself in the old storage closet that had been turned into her room. He sighed and patted the top of buckets helmet.

"What do you think that is about?" He asked the droid.

 _"Bweep-wheep."_ Bucket called back.

"Really, a broken heart?" Yeager asked.

 _"Weep."_ Bucket agreed.

Yeager sighed and petted the droids helmet again.

Yeager left Tam alone for about an hour, sending bucket to pick up the dinner for the night. Yeager was a caff man through and through, but he knew the basics of tea, Imanual having taught him the ways of tea. He made her and himself a cup, putting sugar in his, before carrying the cups to the door of her room. He knocked on the door, he saw her jump out of bed and stand straight in his mind, some first order thing, but he waited and after a moment she opened the door. Having probably relished she wasn't thare, she looked at him. He held out her cup, and she took it. She invited him in and they sat on her bed, neither one talked as they drank there tea.

"What's troubling you Tamara?" Yeager asked.

"I feel guilty," tam said honestly.

"About joining the first order or something else?" He asked again.

"Yeager I don't want to talk about it." Tam said.

"I understand." He said.

They sat there and finished there Tea, he knew she'll eventually, he wasn't going to push her. She'll tell them, like she has before, it just takes time. Yeager took their cups once they were both done.

"If you change your mind, I'll be there and we can talk." Yeager Said.

"Thanks Yeager." Tam said.

"Your welcome," he said, "dinner should be here soon."

"Thanks." Tam said again.

With that Yeager left her alone in her room. Sometimes him just being around was nice, is words and his presence was enough to assure her. like having your dad listening to you, something her own father didn't do. Having someone to talk to and listened to you was nice.

 _Like Synara_ , her mind thought, betraying her.

Tam how ever knew the truth, she had betrayed Synara, and everyone in that fact. She shouldn't have people trusting, talking to her, forgiving her. She should be shunned and hated, but no one did. They talk to her like she had gone on some vacation. She wanted people to at least acknowledge what she had done. Tam fell over on her bed and curled up, she hated it all.

"Stop lying to me Tamara." The woman said.

"I'm not." Tam said defensively.

"Yes you are you filthy brat." Said the woman.

Anger tam felt anger and helplessness, because she knew if she told the truth the woman wouldn't believe her. Tam didn't even know what she was being accused of, but knowing the woman it was about three things. If it was about alcohol, she drank it all and blame her for pouring it out. If it was about credits she spent it buying alcohol. And the third thing was if she was making money why wasn't she giving it to her. If she did she wouldn't have food, basics, anything to clean with. 

Tam looked at the man, he sat there quietly, almost afraid to move. He didn't look up at her, almost ashamed to, afraid to. Tam wanted to yell at him, to asking him for help, asking him to protect her. But the words she was trying to say where stuck in her throat. She wanted him to protect her, he just didn't look at her as the woman yelled and accused her of lying and stealing. 

Tam felt tears rolled down her cheeks as the lump was stuck in her throat.

He didn't look at her as the woman started throwing what ever wasn't nailed down. Screaming as Tam looked at the man for help, he said nothing.

Tam then woke up to a loud sound, she shot up and quickly wiped her face, not wanting anyone to see her weak. The superiors would target her with the most abuse if they saw her. Then she remembered she wasn't there, she was safe now, she didn't have to hide her weakness. She then wondered what made that noise. she found her jacket and quickly threw it on, she made her way to the door and opened it. When she opened the door the hanger was dark, only a few lights where on. But she saw who made that noise. 

Kazuda was picking up some pots that fell into the floor. he was at the tiny kitchenette, Yeager didn't keep it stocked with much, maybe some ration bars or water bottles. Kazuda had put the others away, getting the one he was looking for. Tam walked out of her room and looked over at Neeku's bed, now their bed, to see if he awoke to the sounds. But no, Neeku slept deeper then a dead man in a black hole. Kazuda turned and saw her, he smiled sheepishly.

"What some tea?" He asked her.

Not long after she and Kazuda had two cups of hot herbal tea, she watched him put sugar into his. It was weirdly graceful, she had seen him eat before, so this was a disconnect from his usual self. To her anyway. He offered her sugar, a little box of the stuff, but she held her hand up. Tam didn't take her caff or tea with sugar, and they both drank there tea in silence. 

"Sorry for waking you, I didn't mean to be so loud." He said.

"It's alright, my sleep wasn't that great anyway." Tam said, and she was being honest as it wasn't

"Neither was mine, I just keep seeing h...sorry." Kazuda said, not wanting to say anymore.

Tam didn't push anything, she knew people kept their secrets and many people didn't want to share anything. It was there right to. Tam just drank her tea as did Kazuda, it wasn't worth pressing and she didn't want to. Emotions are finicky things that shouldn't be messed with in the dark of night.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kazuda asked

"Not really." Tam said

Kazuda nodded and drank his tea. And the two where quiet again. Tam didn't want to talk about it, she just wanted to bury it deep inside herself and never acknowledge it. It was her to keep and try and forget. Kazuda was looking into his cup, he was watching it more then anything. His hair was down over his face, he looked tired like he probably did, with her own hair wrapped up synth-Satin. Honestly they should just go back to bed before anything else is said between them, but Kaz spoke first.

"My nightmare was about my father." Kazuda said looking into his tea not wanting to say more.

"Mine was about my mother." Tam said, it hurt to say it.

"I see." Kazuda said, he didn't press on.

And the two didn't go on about, press the other into saying more, they just drank there tea. They just stayed quiet, not saying anything more about there nightmares. Just finding a weird sense of comfort between them, like they knew what they thought. Tam finished her tea and Kaz soon finished his, and they sat there with their empty cups.

"Kaz, Neeku likes you a lot doesn't he." Tam said.

"I believe so." Kaz said.

"You know If you hurt him I'll kill you." Tam said.

"I know." Kazuda said.

Kaz didn't seem to take it as a threat, he was probably tired, as was she. Tam took the cups to the dish cleaner as Kaz got up. She heard him walk behind her.

"If you need someone to talk to," Kazuda said the held up his hands in defense, he he emphasized, "when your ready," then lowered his hands a little, and continued one with a softer tone "Neeku, Yeager, Synara and I will listen." 

"Thanks Kaz," tam said, she didn't want to talk.

She walked back to her room, not watching Kaz maneuver his way back into bed with Neeku, having the man put his arms back around him. She went back to her bed but didn't readily go to sleep right away. Her dream of her mother still hurt, she just wanted forget it so she could sleep. But the nightmare was more then that, it was a memory. A memory of her childhood and teen years that she wished to ignore and forget. But the stinging since of betrayal hugged her heart, the feeling of anger and sadness along with it. She was a child, there child, yet they treated her like an unwanted pet, if even that. Her mother would sleep, drink, and yell, she old remembered the women sober a handful of times. She was even drinking during her father's races. And that was a whole other subject, her father. Tam doesn't remember when he stopped protecting her from mother, he would just sit by while she had her "moments". That was a cute word for it. 

_"Moments"_

"Your mommy is having a moment, just go to your room."

"She's having a moment sweetie, just don't get in her way."

"She's having a moment, she'll be fine after a nap."

"Moments", meant she was so drunk that she was pissed at the world and yelling and breaking there few valuables. Only to fall asleep where she fell after, that it be in a chair, at the table, on the floor or wall. Tam preferred it when she had her moments in at dock or port so she could get away from her, instead of the inescapable starship and hyperspace. Tam just left for along time, went anywhere, sometimes her father came but most of the time he stayed. And between the two of them, she missed him the most, even if she just missed the way he talked about racing and flying.

Tam decided to think about flying.

The freeing feeling of being above all your problems only thinking about what you had to do to stay flying. like a bird, who's only purpose to go from next to next thing. Looking for food, water and safety, flying away from it all. Just like a starship, Free and safe. That was a great feeling and with that tam fell asleep, she was safe in her mind. She was a bird, flying away if only mentally at the moment.

When tam woke up she remembered what the day was, lover's day, tam just wanted to roll over and go back to sleep. But she new Neeku would just come in and see if she was alright. Maybe of she pretended to be sick she could stay in bed all day. But no, Tam didn't like the idea of staying in bed being useless, also of she stayed in bed, Kaz would just do her job. That was a big NO, no matter how good he had become at being a mechanic. She wasn't going let Neeku down if anything, boyfriend or not. Tam got dressed in some of her old clothing, with her first order boots being the last thing on. They might be an evil galaxy conquering organization, they made great boots, as they were made for her. 

Tam left her room and saw only Neeku at the table.

"Morning Tam." He said in his usual cheerful tone.

"Morning Neeku." Tam said getting herself a cup of caff, "where is everyone?"

"They are in a meeting." Neeku said.

"Oh." Tam said.

She wasn't apart of those meetings, then again it was an aces meeting, She wasn't an ace. Tam took her spot next to him and she saw some ration bars layed on the table. She took one and ate the bar, it was a tough thing, and when she saw what Neeku did to his, tam wish she did the same. He had boiled some water and turned his into a porridge, making it softer then a brick. But she ate hers with the hot caff softening it up. She didn't try to think about what they where having a meeting about, and what was going on.

"I hope Kazuda is done soon, we have lunch date." Neeku said.

"Thank you for reminding me." Tam thought as she finished her caff, but instead said, "he will, so lets get to work."

It was a long morning of repair, repair, and repair. The platform was older then she or Neeku, been soaking in salt water, it was Honestly a surprise that the plant form didn't just fall apart if they sneezed on it. It doesn't help that there wasn't any escape pods and hasn't been for a long long time, the last one gone within the year, tam wouldn't be surprised if it just fell off. She and Neeku where guts deep in some wires that should just be replaced all together when Kazuda came up to them. He was there for Neeku and they needed an extra hand, so Tam barked an order at him and he followed it. So Kazuda was holding things up and out of the way as she and Neeku repaired them. He did point out a wire she and Neeku had missed, it couldn't be fixed, patched up, or reused, so they just replaced it all together.

"Where going to need to cannibalized some other parts or kill some droids to get the parts we need." Tam stated. She chose to ignore Neeku and Kazuda hugging and kissing each other.

"That's not going to go over well." Kazuda said.

"That or we die," Tam said, "Or we can get the parts from unused ships or another platforms like this." 

"So how long until we die?" Kazuda asked.

"Anytime or never," Neeku said, "like Erwin's tooka theory, both and neither."

"I'll report it to Captain Doza, he'll agree to what ever is possible." Tam said gathering up tools, "in the meantime lets get lunch."

Despite the grim news of possible death, it was lunch time and they where hungry. They took a lift up, it stopped to get more passengers on there way up, several were couples who where mushy, Tam then remembered it was lovers day and when the doors opened again the halls where decorated in the pink, white, and red colors of lover's day. She hated it and everyone made there way to the stalls. There wasn't many stalls that had food and it smelled wonderful to a hungry person. But many of the stands had homemade candies made from sugar and fruits, little things for sweet hearts, and flux flowers made of flimsi and such, if it was any other time it would have been nice. Tam saw a line at a tent, the fortune teller, Minka Gray, love fortunes most likely. She saw Kazuda look away but Neeku looked interested. she wondered why.

They got there lunch, a simple flat bread sandwich, and they sat on a crate nearby. She sat on it and the two sat on the ground. Tam watched the sky above them, it was an artificial one, but it looked so real. She wanted to ask how Neeku was able to do it, but she saw Neeku sitting behind Kazuda, resting his chin, careful with the horns, on Kazuda's shoulder. Neeku Having wrapped his arms around Kazuda waist. Tam had also forgotten that they where having a date and felt like an awkward third wheel, so she ate doing her best to ignore them. She was so busy ignoring the two, looking at random points around the market that she didn't see Synara come up to them with her own lunch.

"Good afternoon," Synara said.

"Hi Synara!" Neeku said.

"Want to join us?" Kazuda asked.

Before Synara could expect, tam had jumped off the crate. She quickly gathered her tools and ate her sandwich. She got strange looks from everyone around her, but she didn't care.

"I'm going on to the tower Neeku, see you there." Tam said quickly finishing off her sandwich.

"Tam!" Neeku called.

But the woman had ran off before he could get her attention again. She didn't see that Synara had sat on the ground and the look of sad disappointment on her face. She didn't see Neeku and Kazuda giving her there support. Tam had stepped into the lift and punched the code that got her into the tower levels. She just wanted to work and repress this guilt inside her. So she held it down and went to work.

Dinner, normally a time when everyone was together, but this time it wasn't the case. 

It was lovers day, Neeku and Kazuda had plans, they would be staying in, eating dinner, and watching a halo. It sounded straightforward but tam knew that they would probably be doing more then 'staying in'. If she needed to she could go into Yeager's private hanger. But he even had plans for this day. he had a meeting for tonight with both Dozas, or so he said, but he wasn't dressed for his usual meetings. He had washed for the occasion, both himself and his clothing. He even smelt diffrent, his usual smell of powdery soup and soft spicy wood smell of his cologne, was replaced with something stronger that Tam couldn't replace. Even his hair was held away from his face by a thin black head band. He looked and smelt nice for his meeting. They all stud around the door, most everyone was excited about today.

"You look nice." Tam said, and he did.

"I hope you have a productive meeting Yeager." Said Neeku genuinely.

"Thank you Neeku." Yeager said grinning softly.

"See you in the morning." Kazuda said with a knowing smile.

Yeager looked at the young man frowning and brows furrowed, Kazuda looked away covering his mouth with his hand to hide his smile from the man. Yeager then looked back to the other two.

"See you three in the morning," Yeager said, then he pointed at Neeku and Kazuda, singling them out, "you two don't get too crazy, Tam lives here too."

"Dont worry about me, I'm going out for the night." Tam said.

It was true, aunt z had a singles party that tam was going to just to get away. Yeager crossed his arms and simply nodded. Tam wasn't sure if he understood what she meant, but he looked back to the two men.

"Like I said, you two don't get too crazy." Yeager reminded Neeku and Kazuda.

"Yes sir." Neeku said, Kazuda simply nodded.

"Alright, you three have a good night, see y'all in the morning." Yeager said leaving the hanger.

When Yeager was a safe distance away from them they started talking.

"He's well dressed for a meeting." Tam commented.

"He's dressed for a successful outcome, he wants it to go well." Neeku said.

"He's sleeping with them." Kazuda said and they turned to look at him.

Neeku between the two was the most surprised about it, Tam was just shocked about what Kazuda had said about the man. Kazuda looked at them like they should know about what he had said.

"Most everyone knows, the three of them aren't exactly hiding it very well," Kazuda said, "hell even Torra knows whats going on between her parents and Yeager."

"Stop." Tam said, hoping Kazuda won't go on, she didn't want to think about yeager is some triangle romance, "I'm getting ready for tonight, you two don't start until i'm gone."

Tam didn't do much with her appearance, just wanted to get away for a moment, everyone around her was in a relationship but her. Oh the gods she hated lovers day, she wanted to forget it was that day. But everyone and thing wouldn't let her, so she was forced to remember what day it was. And the worst thing about two day was she missed Synara. she missed her touch, they way her hair fell when it was down, her soft lips on hers. She also missed they way Synara listened to her, talked with her and understand what was going on. Now Tam felt like the woman hated her and it was her fault.

Tam then left her room, seeing that Neeku and Kazuda was true to there word and waited, once she was out they closed the hanger behind her, if she wanted back in she just had to com them. Now tam walked to aunt z, felling like absolutely like crap. She just walked and did her best to ignore the lover's day decor spread around haphazardly on the walls and ceilings. And her best to ignore the lover's and other kinds of people. Today was the type of day lonely people drawer together for a night of fun. Tam remembers one year she had to punch a guy for not leaving her alone after telling him more then once she liked only women. Some people are just stubborn that way. So when tam arrived at aunt z's she saw the bar was evenly devited between lovers on dates and the other side was singles and it was obvious which side was which. Aunt z, who was serving the current it couple, Gorrak and wires shop guy, a drink of some kind, saw Tam enter.

"Good evening Tam," the woman said, "want a drink while you wait for Synara?" 

Tam felt the words hit her, she wasn't in a relationship with the woman anymore.

"No, I'm single now." Tam said.

Aunt z just gave a look of sympathy and poured her a drink without being asked, she handed it to Tam but didn't let go when tam grabbed it. Tam wondered why for a moment until the women leaned in.

"Don't act so down, you might win her back yet." Aunt z said.

Tan didn't say anything, just ripped the drink away, spilling some of it on the ground as she went to a booth and stewed there in her anger, self pity, and guilt. She just wanted everyone to leave her alone. And she got that in her booth, no one came near her, she was alone with her drink when Synara came into the bar. Tam didn't see her until she was on the singles side nearby. Aunt z didn't say anything to her about Tam being there so she was drinking something bitter and strong. Tam watched her for a long time, as she drank her drink, oblivious of tam. And that felt right to her, Synara should forget she existed and move on. Aunt's z's droid came by and asked if she needed anything, tam said just a refill. And she was left alone and then she saw Synara looking at her.

Tam just wanted to shrink away but she didn't just stayed in her spot as Synara loomed nearby, staring straight at her with a determined look. It was a look that made Tam feel afraid, and that fear was realized as the woman beline to her but she stayed. Thoses in Synara's path quickly moved out of her way, afraid of the woman and fear of getting in her path. Tam felt dread, the kind of dread that reminded her of her mother's pre-rage. She didn't want to hid and run anymore, she would take the yelling, screaming, the accusatory and verbal abuse. And with that tam would be left alone, Synara's anger at her let out and it would be done, and Synara would leave her. Leave her alone for the rest of her life, and Tam would be an uncomfortable and unpleasant memory in the woman's memory. As the woman was a few feet from Tam, she locked up and had her head down, reading her self for what was about to come. But when she got there, she stopped and looked at the woman with concern now.

"What is wrong Tam?" Synara asked sliding into the booth next to her.

Tam just froze up even more squeezing her eyes close, she never like when yelling happened next to her, she didn't want to feel the words more then necessary. She didn't want the breath and heat of the words on her. Synara who grew even more concerned put her hands on Tam. Tam flinched away from her hard, tan layed down on her back looking up at Synara, trying hard to not cry, feeling week, and small.

"Just tell me you hate me and leave me alone." Tam said afraid.

"I don't hate you.." Synara said.

Tam heard what Synara said, but it took a moment to understand what she said. Tam sat up and moved to the middle of an arms stretch away from the woman. Tam just watched her for a moment, Synara had a look of worry now. She was trying to understand what tam had said to her and why.

"Why would I hate you?" Synara asked.

"Because i..." Tam started and a whole list of reasons flouted up.

She joined the first order and Synara was supposed to, that was what was for most in her mind. She tried to kill them a few times, she betrayed everyone, she just didn't deserve this. Someone had to hate her; Neeku forgave her the moment she apologized to him, Yeager had as well, he said he wasn't mad at her. Tam didn't believe it for a day but soon she realized he was honest. Kazuda, was the one to ask for forgiveness first, holding himself at fault. Even Opeepit, who didn't like anyone, forgave her in his own little way. While Tam had been thinking Synara had tried to come closer to her, Tam just moved away so she was at the end of the booth and Synara was in the middle. Tam just felt everything bubble up and she had the only reason, she just saw Synara to be the one to hate her. And she was fine with that

"Because you are supposed to." Tam said and exited the booth.

Tam walk away, she can't be there anymore, she needed to be away. She wanted to cry and be alone, she wanted to lay in her bed. But she didn't want to disturb Neeku's and Kazuda's date. Tam knew of one of Neeku's hiding holes that would be nice, she would just go there, she would be alone and be safe from everyone. Tam got into one of the lifts and pressed the button, she just tried to repress her tears, until she got to it. She leaned back and stared at the floor. The door was almost closed when Synara stopped the door and it opened as something stoped it. She stepped in and quickly took Tam's space, putting her arms on either side of her, gripping the handrails, keeping Tam in front of her. They where about as face to face as they could.Before tam could protest or wiggle out of the way. 

"I don't hate you." Synara said angry

"You should." Tam bit back.

"Why?" Synara asked

"I don't need to," tam said, " you should."

Tan look up at her just as a couple then came to the lift doors, happy to see a ready lift for them, but stoped when they saw the two inside. They quickly walked back to give the two space. Then the door closed, the whole encounter went ignored by the two of them as the lift went down.

"I need you to be specific Tam." Synara said.

"I joined the first order." Tam said.

"I was a pirate," Synara said.

"I betrayed everyone," Tam said

"So have I, more then once," Synara said.

The lift stopped again and this time someone who just wanted to go down, he saw the two women arguing and just sighed and moved to another lift. So the doors closed again, and it moved down. This also went ignored again by the two women. Who kept comparing each other, who was worse, who had done the most wrong.

"So Tam why should I hate you, I've done the same level if not worse then you, tell me?" She asked.

"Because...i don't deserve it." Tam admitted.

"What do you mean?" Synara asked.

"I don't deserve forgiveness, not from Neeku, from Yeager or kaz, from anyone, and especially you." Tam said.

That was when tam started crying, Synara Let go of the hand rails and walked to the buttons, she flipped control panel and stopped the lift from going down any further. So it was the two of them stuck between floors. Synara then turned back to the woman but this time staying away from her, giving the woman space. Tam who hated crying and hated it was infront of another person, turned to face the lift wall, away from Synara so she could recover. Synara just stayed at her wall, giving tam space. It was quiet as it could be between the two of them in a stalled lift who knows where in the ship. Tam just kept staring at her wall as the tears stopped. She felt heavy and hallow, she just wanted to go to sleep and forget what happened. As hard as that could be. Synara just stared at the ceiling.

"I thought you were mad at me." Synara said.

Tam turned away from the wall to Synara, the woman just watched the ceiling. 

"You were avoiding me, running away when ever I got close, or ignoring me when I was next to you, I just thought you hated me." Synara said.

"Why?" Tam asked.

"I left without saying goodbye to you." Synara said.

Tam understood what the woman was saying and had to admit that was what she could take from it. Tam wasn't mad at Synara, she was at first, but it was at Kazuda mostly, and fearing he had done something to hurt her family, he was got to say good bye. But now Tam wasn't angry. So she made her way across the space between them and put her arms around Synara, like she had done to her not long ago. She was shorter then Synara, so the effect wasn't the same, but Synara looked at her.

"I'm not mad and I don't hate you." Tam Said.

They looked at each other for only a moment, a deep look that said more then words could. The gap between them was narrow, just breaths away, tam could smell the floral soap faintly in Synara's hair. Tam did wonder for a moment if she would close the space. instead Tam let go of the railing and wrapped her arms around the women, holding her close. Synara was stiff in her arms, not sure what to do in the woman's arms. Tam just held her, resting her head on the woman's chest, hearing her heart beat in her chest. Tam just held her because there wasn't anything else to do, then Synara finally melted and pulled Tam into a hug.

"I don't hate you and I'm not mad either." Synara said.

Synara rested her head on top of Tam's, enjoying the feeling of being held and the weight of fear and uncertainty lifted. Now that tam didn't hate her felt good. They just held each other for a long time, when they broke away, they where still chest to chest, well a best as they could looking at each other.

"What does this mean now, between us I mean?"Synara asked

"I'm not sure honestly," tam said, looking away for a moment, "want to find out with me?"

"I would like that." Synara said smiling.

Tam felt shy suddenly as Synara smiled down at her, she looked away, pulling herself from there embrace, no longer touching. But she was still in arms reach. So Synara took her chance, grabbing on to the woman and pulling her back to herself, and she leaned down to kiss her. Tam melted into it, closing her eyes and kissed the woman back. Because of there height difference, a good foot or so between the two, Synara leaned Tamara back and holding her in her arms as the two kissed. Tamara placed her hand on the woman's cheek and slipped her hand around her waist so she could gripped the back of Synara's jacket.

Because of there kissing they didn't realize the lift had started moving up. Passing every level they had passed on there way down, when it stopped, the doors opened. Neeku looked in and saw the two kissing the each other. He was happy that his two friends where back together, after the two had avoided each other for a long time, he was happy.

"Hi Tam, Hi Synara." Neeku said.

Tam and Synara broke there kiss and righted themselves. They saw the group behind Neeku who where looking in, but all looked away when and what they saw. Neeku himself was kneeling on the ground in front of the panel. He stud up and smiled at them.

"Neeku! Why are you here?" Tam asked, embarrassed about it.

"The lift was stuck with two people inside, are you two alright?" Neeku said.

"Yes, we are fine." Synara said, shutting the lift panel quickly.

Neeku didn't seem to notice or if he did he didn't seem to care. Tam and Synara exited the lift, feeling the people watching them. Synara looked at them, and they looked away. Neeku took Tam's hand and the three walked in the direction of the shop.

"This day brings happiness to all don't you think?" Neeku said.

"Yeah it does." Tam said still embarrassed.

"Anyway, me and Kazuda are going to finish having sex, you two have fun." Neeku said, so offhandedly that it caught Tam off guard.

Neeku left them alone in the corridor as he went back to the shop, it was his away of leaving them alone again. She needed to talk to him about this, or just talk. Tam and Synara where left alone again.

"You need a place to sleep tonight." Synara asked.

"You offering?" Tam asked.

"Yes." Synara replied, holding out her hand," I'll take the couch and you have a my bed."

"You have a couch now?" Tam asked jokingly, taking Synara's hand.

Synara only laughed as they walked to the stairs at the other end of the corridor. Tam still didn't know what to fill, she had a lot to work out, she still felt the guilt inside her heart eating away at her. But she was going to work on it. And maybe Neeku was right, lover's day did bring happiness for them. She and Synara just needed to figure out what that means to them.

**Author's Note:**

> I took liberty with Tam's and Synara's heights as they don't have official heights. So Tam is 5'3 and Synara is 6'1, or 160.02 and 185.42 (i used google so idk if i'm right)
> 
> yes, kazuda is a little spoon and the Yoza triangle is bad at hiding there relationship. (polyships y'all.)


End file.
